i just cross posted for c.i. and probably screwed it up.

if you're a regular reader who is not a community member, it's been a rough day.

if you are a community member, you already know that.

elaine, c.i. and became best friends in college.

and i really don't know what to say.

we'd wanted (flyboy and i) to name our daughter after c.i. and, in typical c.i., the response was, 'oh there are so many people more worthy than me.'

never in a million years.

i didn't do the roundtable. i don't know who did other than ava who was doing it to represent for c.i.

when i'm not crying about the cancer being back, i'm furious with that tramp who decided to post about c.i.

when c.i. found out that it was out, i still didn't know. c.i. said, 'i've have to call my son and i really need you right next to me but i can't start crying.' that's when i learned what was going on.

i'm with kat right now and we're both crying. and we're both angry. and i will get my crying out before i'm around c.i. next.

i don't know all the details. i assumed the upcoming time off from the road was just c.i. feeling 'f**k this s**t, i've given 5 years of my life to it.' i should have known better.

honestly, i was just thinking, 'yea! i can be home and not feel guilty!'

i didn't even stop to think, 'why is c.i. taking time off?'

and i knew that if anything was wrong, i wouldn't hear about it right away. i knew elaine would be the 1.

because i do fall apart at bad news.

so i'm just going to focus on 'every thing's going to be fine. like last time.' i'll just say that to myself.

i can't imagine it any other way.

elaine will tell me 'rebecca, you've got stand up.' she's done that all along. not in a mean way.

c.i.'s always babied me. and every miscarriage, every bit of depression, c.i. dropped everything to be there. (that's not saying elaine wasn't also.)

i just can't believe it.

and i think about mike and how he's probably taking the news and, like c.i. wrote tonight (which i blubbered as i read) mike and i are not good with this stuff.

wally looked shocked but quickly went to dependable wally mode. he was 'what do you need right now, how can i help?' and c.i. said, 'see if mike knows and if he doesn't, keep on him the phone, invent some problem.'

and wally did that and pulled it off.

i couldn't.

i just can't believe it.

and i thought writing about it would help but it hasn't.

my nose is running and i keep clasping my hands together in a prayer position over my nose.

i really don't have anything to say.

kat broke the news to betty. i tried but i was blubbering and stuck on the 1st word over and over so kat grabbed the phone.

i'm just not good at these things. like elaine says, i really need to be stronger and stand. (she doesn't say that meanly. c.i. will baby me. elaine will give me a few weeks to wallow and then show up saying, 'rebecca, it's time to get on with life.')

i just can't imagine that anything bad's going to happen. so i'll just try to stay positive.

and remind myself to not act like it's about me. my grandmother was comforting me at my grandfather's funeral. i am just a real baby when it comes to sickness or death.