a nice e-mail came in from bonnie who wondered, nicely wondered, if maybe i wasn't a little materialistic? bonnie, i'm probably very materialistic. elaine will float off to the after life on a peaceful vibe, c.i. will be martyred into the afterlife and i'll be banging, yelling, 'let me in! let me in!'
bonnie was talking about my remark that i worked my ass off for my money which i made in relation to a jerk that acts like he's c.i.'s friend. the jerk's an adult of many, many, many years and still lives off mommy and daddy. too refined to work and all of that. i don't like mooches and never have. this guy is the type who not only gets his parents to pay the way but expects people he knows to bail him out in addition to that. i have no use for those kinds of people.
i will acknowledge that not every 1 can end up set up even if they work their asses off. i benefitted from a lot including lucky breaks. and some of that may also come from the fact that when i was married to fly boy, the wives of his friends would usually not work and be appalled to find out i worked. i didn't marry him for his money. (i didn't divorce him for it either.) i worked before i knew him, i worked when we dated, i worked while we were married. i just wanted to be clear that i wasn't sitting around on my ass on his money.
we divided up the cars and the real estate but that's really all. i didn't ask him for money. which is probably why he always did stuff like kept up the subscriptions to the newspapers.
a new reader wondered why i called him my ex when 'you're obviously sleeping with him.' he's my 'ex' as in ex-husband. where this is going, who knows? we are together in some way now but i'm not going to label it and i've told him i'm not looking to get married again right now.
that's partly because, if i was really honest, i'm not wanting to go back to work. so marrying him is out of the question unless i want to be 1 of those women whose days start flipping through the catalogues while they work up the strength for a shopping 'jaunt' in the afternoon.
i always paid my own way. with friends who bust their butts but can't manage it, i'm happy to help out. but i'm not like c.i. putting up with a crowd of beggars which is what i think a lot of the people around c.i. are. it's not as bad as it's been in times past. but you just need 1 hard luck story with c.i. and they don't even have to be what most people would consider hard luck stories. saying you spent your rent on a new home entertainment center won't get sympathy for me no matter how much you tell me you 'needed' it, really, really needed it. c.i.'s a soft touch. less so now.
partly due to being too busy for the nonsense but also because you can only be burned by phonies so many times before you start realizing some people just aren't worth it. now it's taken years. and years. but c.i. can see that with some people now. in college, it was always order whatever you want and then when the bill came 'oh, i don't have any money on me' or some other lame excuse and c.i. would take care of the bill for every lame ass that did that. i'd be saying 'stop doing that. no 1 goes out to eat and drink without knowing whether or not they have money. they knew they didn't have money before they ordered.'
there was one little _ who for 3 years got every meal and everything else off c.i. and the most she ever did, when i insisted on it, was to buy a glass of tea. i'm not kidding. she said, after i balled her out, to c.i. 'well i owe you a meal.' you think? after 3 years of mooching? then she orders the most expensive thing for herself and when the bill arrives says she only has the money to pay for c.i.'s glass of tea.
all you have to do with c.i. is play on the guilt. do a 'gee, i wish i had ...' whatever and then c.i. feels bad for you and feels bad about having anything and it's 'how much do you need?'
there are people who are worth it because they're friends. like there is a painter who some day will be, if there's any fairness in the world, 1 of the greats. but the painter is focusing on art, working on it, slaving on it. this nonsense of 'i'm going to sit on my ass and let some 1 else pay my way without ever doing anything but partying' is just nonsense.
or take 'princess' as elaine and i dubbed 1 'friend.' princess thought she had a right to everything. there were times when elaine and i would say 'oh no, we're tired' because just going into a bookstore with princess would mean she'd pull the 'i have to have these magazines' and then pout because she didn't have the money for them and c.i. would roll the eyes and pay. that 1 was pretty obvious from the start. like new albums come out on tuesday. you better believe she'd show up on tuesday with her wish list already in mind and then hint and hint about all going to 'check out the new music.'
now that's another sponge/mooch who lived with her parent (her father was dead, she lived with mommy) and you just think, 'get a job already.' what's so funny is that a friend of mine knows princess and princess is freaking out because her mother's ill and now 'i'm going to have to take care of her!' it's not funny that her mother's ill but her mother's carried her beyond the 9 months, beyond the first 18 years, and now the selfish little princess is stomping her feet that, after all these years, she might actually have to give something back.
by the way, i'm not talking about people with serious problems. there are people that c.i.'s helped 'escape' from bad situations like bad marriages and that's fine. i would do that as well. but the people i'm talking about are spoiled and pampered and they've never done anything with their lives. they've never gotten a job, they've never worked a day in their life, they're not in school or pursuing the arts, they sleep until noon, roll out of bed and expect that everyone else is just so thrilled by their company that their time should be paid for.
princess thought she had a right to everything. she was forever 'borrowing' an item from c.i. and never returning it. she did that to me once with a pair of earrings and after asking for them back a month later, asking 3 times, i just went over to her place, knocked on the door, walked in when the door opened, walked to her bedroom, nodded to her as i walked over to her jewelry box, grabbed my earrings and walked out without ever saying a word to her. she just somehow believed she was entitled to everything.
so that's what i was raging about when i was talking about the jerk yesterday. and did he see the post? yes, he did and wrote me a nasty e-mail that he keeps track of every cent he's been given and plans to pay it all back 'some day.' yeah, some day's never coming because his tab's too high.
i don't think any 1 is their job. i do think that if you're a mooch, you're a mooch.
people can fall on hard times, i understand that and am not talking about that.
but this nonsense of people who are born with every break in the world and think 'instead of making something of my life or even getting a regular job, i'm just going to be a mooch' is nonsense to me.
if someone's lucky enough not to work, fine. i have no problem with it. and if you want to live your life in party town, go for it. as long as you can foot the bill. but if you can't, get a job and quit begging and mooching. if there's 1 thing that amazes me the most about the well to do, it's how lazy they are. and they aren't the well to do, their parents were. i'm not talking about kids here or even people still in their 20s.
like there's this 1 piece of work. years and years ago, she and c.i. were up for the same job and if you know c.i. you know what's coming. because it might be important to her, c.i. offered to bow out. she said no, c.i. got the job and she seems to think c.i.'s got to be her meal ticket for the rest of time. 'if i had gotten that job . . .' she'll bring it up all the time. she wouldn't have and if she had, she would have been fired. she's lazy. and she's been fired from the very few jobs she could get because she wouldn't show up. that's not working. that's not trying for anything.
i'm always amazed at the people c.i. knows, and sometimes it seems like c.i. knows every 1, who delude themselves. there's this 1 woman who marries for money, taps each husband out and suddenly 'things aren't working' she'll tell that husband. do you know what her profession is? she'll tell this to every 1. 'i'm a screen writer.' have i seen any movie you wrote?
no, because none have ever been made. and she's written the same damn script over and over. every year or so, she'll pull it out and say 'i'm working' and rewrite the same script which is a crappy idea written by a crappy writer. now this has been going on for years and years.
but if you met her and you asked her what she did, she'd tell you 'i'm a writer' or 'i'm a screenwriter.' and somehow the fact that for 4 weeks every year, she rewrites that old script each year, she thinks that allows her to say that.
maybe i'm too judgemental but i don't think that makes some 1 a writer. i don't think success makes some 1 a writer necessarily. but if you're a writer, whether you get paid for it or not, whether you ever sell anything or not, it just seems to me that you spend your time writing. not jetting all over the place on your latest husband's money. and some 1 needs to tell her that her looks have faded. the husband before last was a self-made success who went to school with her.
he was a few years behind and she was always the most beautiful in school so he considered it a real feather in his cap to marry her. he had made his money and was done with the rat race. within a year, he was having to go back to work because she'd spent her way through pretty much all of it.
she was fine with that and assumed lightening would strike again and immediately. when he told her they were going to have to be on a budget and she was going to have to step down from the arts board she was sitting on (1 of those get together for lunch and never do anything but gossip about your life), the marriage was over. as soon as i saw her fuming, i knew it was over. and sure enough, within 2 weeks she was hitting c.i. up for money for a mover and money for this and money for that.
what always amazes me is how cheap she is with every 1. even while her husband has money, she's cheap. her friends get cheap gifts (like an airport gift shop t-shirt) and it's the same with her husband of the moment. but for herself, she's spending fortunes.
so maybe that clears up where i'm coming from?
i don't like people like that and i never want any 1 to assume that, because i'm not working, that i am like that. i don't sponge off people and i don't sponge off my ex-husband. i went into that marriage with the money i made and, though he had made his own money and had money from his family, i never assumed that his money was my money. you can say i'm too independent if you want, but i never wanted any 1 to pay my way. that may also come from too many dates in jr. high and early high school where a guy that bought me a burger and fries seemed to think that bought him the right to cop a feel or more. by my junior year, on the 1st dates with any guy, i paid my own way just to avoid some guy thinking 'well i spent 5 bucks so now i get to go to 3rd or home plate.'
i developed early and have big breasts so maybe it's different in other situations? maybe the boys were just in awe of my boobs? but i really got tired of that. to the point that even if i had been thinking of having sex with the guy. if i sensed that he thought 'i'm getting sex because i paid for dinner' - i would do the total freeze out.
there are real difficulties in life and having large breasts isn't 1 of them. but i do think that some of the nonsense guys assumed wouldn't have been assumed if i'd had a normal size or even small chest. and when a guy can't look you in the eyes, as most couldn't until college, i think you become aware that some of them assume you have a price on your head or ass.
to twist a bette davis phrase, i may have seen better days but i'm still not to be had for the price of a burger.
but like elaine, who is beautiful and has those classical looks that i'd kill for, guys always related to her as a person. and i did notice that. and before 1 of the prigs who reads this thinks i need their e-mail about how 'well look at how you talk with your gutter mouth!' i didn't talk like that back then. though i didn't look the part, i would've fallen into the 'good girl' category. elaine was much wilder than i was. (c.i. was off saving the world - then as now. with a legion of lust filled devoted attempting to follow.)
but, point, while elaine was allowed to be considered a person and attractive, i was, or i felt that i was, seen more as a piece of meat. and if you developed early, i'm sure you remember how embarrassing that was. by the end of elemenatry school, i was wearing a jacket year round because of the stares.
i've never really talked in depth about this with c.i. or elaine but i know elaine's take, from statements she's made, would be that she's not pretty. she's not pretty, she's beautiful. she always had the perfect frame, the perfect skin, gorgeous face, gorgeous legs, gorgeous hair and she puts herself down when she's in a rush in the morning and pulls her hair up or back into a ponytail but no 1's looking at her and thinking 'eh.' she's beautiful. i don't think c.i. really thinks about looks. c.i.'s always avoided the mirror. c.i. looks in bits and pieces when the mirror has to be used. or maybe it's because people always made a big deal over c.i.'s look and that sort of thing, making a big deal, makes c.i. uncomfortable so it's just been a non-issue?
but it did effect me. i went from being cute to being stacked and no 1 was saying 'she's cute.' instead, they'd say this in front of me to my mother, 'you are getting her a good bra, aren't you?'
or 'she'll need to dress very modest.' this was when i started developing and it probably played into it, the reactions of these older women. it was like not only was i already embarrassed, wearing my jacket and carrying my books in front of my chest, but these women, adults, seemed to think this was a huge burden.
who knows?
i hadn't planned to write about this so much but boy do i feel better getting that off my chest.
i think i'll call it a night. bonnie wrote the nicest e-mail and kept saying 'i'm not trying to offend you.' bonnie, you didn't offend me and look what your question produced! sherry wondered if c.i. or elaine was bothered when i mentioned them? elaine just laughs. c.i. would prefer nothing go up here that was personal but i don't hear about it. (i know that though because c.i. is very private and always has been. ask a personal question and watch it be deflected so cleverly you don't even realize it until long after.) but as long as every 1 gets that this is my memory or my version, c.i. doesn't say a word to me about it.
i think i'm lucky to have both as friends and for so many years. i know a lot of people i've fallen out of touch with. you say 'we'll keep in touch' but you never do. but elaine and c.i. have been lifelong friends and, as elaine says, 'we're stuck with one another until the grave at this point.'
